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MATCH MAKER MAKE ME A MATCH
Do you still remember the musical refrain from "Fiddler on the Roof"? The young daughter, Chava sang: ‘match maker match maker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch, Matchmaker, Matchmaker look through your book and make me a perfect match. For Poppa make him a scholar, for Mama make him as rich as king. I would not holler if he was as handsome as anything .’
Stats Canada numbers are troubling for 2014 for the divorce rate was 4/10 marriages ending in divorce; 20% of all divorces are repeat for at least for one of the spouses. On average 42% of all divorces lasted nine years with both male and female spouses in their mid forties. With no fault legislation after a year of separation you can ask for a decree that ends one’s marriage.
Last week while waiting for a physical therapist at the hospital a women in the waiting room told me that ‘her mother who was 90 had recently divorced her third husband and was still looking for a perfect partner."
The wedding planners along with the bridal shops are doing very well financially. Arranging the bridal gowns, flowers and music, wedding cake, photographers costing too many thousands of dollars are usually paid by the parents of the bride who often times have to invite the bank manager to the wedding to help pay the tab .
I have a completely old- new idea that parents may be wise to hire a competent matchmaker to try and discover if there is really some raison d’etre why two people should be married; (scary thought) till death do us part bit of the ceremony. My friend Nehru from the Y recently told me that he and his wife from India had helped arrange his daughter’s marriage to a fine young man whose father taught at the same university. The families shared much in common with each other: education, the same sense of values and respect for parents, marriage and future children. Clean cut, attractive and responsible, good work ethics, good willpower, desire to embrace positive changes in their lives.
The marriage has flourished with two children who have gone on to university and have pending careers of their own. Mom and dad are CEO’s of two large different corporations but their marriage takes precedents over their career goals.
Of late some parents have asked me to council their son’s/ daughter’s friends to see if they will pass the litmus test of my interview and testing. Give me two hours and I can tell you where they have been, where they are and where do they want to be in five years. Important to know that if the young man in question has his emphasis on being a player not a worker with hockey, football and skiing and rugby with little thought of excellence in school or real work. The parents/young people are invited to sit in with me to be able to glean what I have learned. Everyone gets feed-back and direction. Some times there is a good match and then there are times that there is little or no chance at success. Unlike Physics likes attract and dislikes are akin to oil and water that never ever seem to mix. " A bird and a fish may fall in love but the question is where are they going to live in the future". Both species come from completely different environments and can not exist in the real world.
Weddings are sure expensive and divorces create riffs in family relationship with no one being happy with the results.
Over the many years of counselling I have witnessed the sad results of too many people who married in haste and now have to repent in leisure. Reminds me of the tale of speeder who was driving at 140 k in a 80K zone. The OPP offered to let the speeder off if he had a good story. The speeder told the officer that six months ago his wife had run had run off with a police officer and he thought he was bringing her back to drive him crazy.
A friend of mine who is a minister in London had a mandatory six week course for his soon to be married couples. They were encouraged to look at their future plans straight in the face hoping to help them to better decide if the impending marriage was viable alternative.
A week-end retreat camping in the woods without the amenities of the city in same sex compounds was reality. The rev was very happy that approximately 30% of the couples decided after due reflection that the Mr/Miss Perfect did not exist and there was no meeting of values and thank God no wedding.
You have taken the time to read my column. Before you or your children decide to tie the knot drop me an e-mail. lenlesser@hotmail.com
Len Lesser is a Counselor in Dorchester
Len Lesser